- Entertainment
By
Sean Fitz-Gerald
Danny McBride's latest HBO venture, Vice Principals, is like Eastbound & Downinan alternate universe, one where Kenny Powers prowls a high school rather than a pitching mound. His new character, Neal Gamby, is still bringing the heat, but this time he's doing so as a bitter vice principal passed over for a kick-ass promotion.
In honor of McBride exchanging his jersey for a sweater vest, and so that you'll never forget the bizarre bulletproof tiger with exceptional hair that was Kenny Powers, we've rounded up two dozen bodaciousEastbound & Downquotesand audiobook Powerisms.(Warning:manyNSFW words, clips, and phrases follow.)
Kenny Powers, on the origin of Kenny Powers
"When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom: multimillion-dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. And a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion."
Kenny Powers, on the topic of triathlons:
"I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy."
Kenny Powers, on his Achillesheel, as described in his audiobookYou're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In:
"I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist. So people often ask me, Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any? I would say that my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic."
Kenny Powers, responding to his dad about whether he smokes weed:
"Does the Pope blow little kids?"
Kenny Powers, doing his best Trump impression:
"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."
Kenny Powers, on Kenny Powers' comeback:
"[I'm] sober and ready to destroy the competitions."
Kenny Powers, giving himself a pep talk after discovering that no one wants his eBay memorabilia:
"Ask anybody out there, and they'll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals: running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces. I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless. This one coach tried to put me on a weight-training program, and I was all like, You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy.You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddamn 100-mile-per-hour pitch. Fuck that.
"See, in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn't matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent. In a nutshell, you can train all you want. You can work on your catchin', on your throwin', on your runnin' -- hell, it might even be enough to get you into the Majors. But in order to be a standout, an all-star, a champion, you need more than hard work and dedication. You need something that you can't work for. You need a blessing from God Almighty."
Kenny Powers, after his dad suggests they meet in hell and bang a pair of she-devils:
"I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don't fuck with the devil, and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives. Take it easy, old man."
Kenny Powers, on putting baseball behind him:
"When my ass was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I haven't played professionally for several years now, but in my heart, I quit for real this time. Tonight. It's time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit. Therefore, I will now settle into this new life. I'll find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously, and try to do them the best that I possibly can. And realizing that the love of my life has chosen another, I will move forward. Without her.
"I do all these things not because I want to, but because I have to. From this moment forward, Kenny Powers is just like everyone else: normal, not special; no hopes or dreams; pretending to be happy when he's really super sad. Just an average guy, with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forward, the People's Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Dr. Cock and Balls -- that Kenny Powers is now dead. And he will never pick up a baseball ever fucking again."
Kenny Powers, talking to his Mexican girlfriend about the appeal of soccer:
"In America, people fucking hate soccer, and honestly, that's the way it should be. You kinda like soccer? I'm gonna pretend you didn't just make my dick go soft. Yeah, no, it's totally soft. I feel like it's just gone back inside of me with that [like], No, don't talk about soccer."
Kenny Powers, on how to endear yourself to new teammates:
"Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some, I liked. Some, I really fucking hated. I'm not mentioning any names, but let's just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole. The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties. If that doesn't work, then just like prison, you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team and you kick him in his fucking teeth."
Kenny Powers, on the importance of his comeback:
"There have been many comebacks throughout history: Jesus was dead, but then came back as an all-powerful God zombie; Ryan O'Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever. Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land or town. My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans, with blood in his eyes, and said, My turn now, cocksuckers."
Kenny Powers, spending quality time with his 1-year-old son:
"OK, Toby, here we go, bud. We're going to put you on the big people's furniture. Try not to shit all over it, OK?"
Kenny Powers, on discovering his baby's dirty diapers:
"What is that smell? Oh, Jesus Christ. What did you eat? Diarrhea?"
Kenny Powers, on karma:
"Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say, F that B. Everything I have in this life, I earned myself. There's no cosmic luck deciding shit for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant -- I earned myself. The one thing I didn't earn myself was when I caught crabs. I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn."
Kenny Powers, offering up some fatherly wisdom:
"Toby, what do you want from me? I've been super cool to you. I've given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you a toy, will that erase the curse? Will you stop fucking up my life, Toby?"
Kenny Powers, on toy-building:
"That's a toy that I made for [Toby]. It's a fake T. rex with a dildo crammed up its asshole. It's one of Toby's favorites. When you turn it on… it moves. Dildo-saurus Rex, heh."
Kenny Powers, on winning:
"There's no better feeling than winning. Dealing your opponent the deathblow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero's jism. The immature man revels in such adulations. The mature man, however, celebrates not, because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another fucked-up test."
Kenny Powers, on alpha males:
"In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack. Creature of immense strength, large in size, a leader from birth, hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers -- most of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them."
Kenny Powers, on his assistant Stevie's enhanced love life:
"Sounds like FiftyShades of Gross to me, motherfucker."
Kenny Powers, roasting Dontel Benjamin on Guy Young's Sports Sesh:
"Goddamn fangs, lookin' like a motherfuckin' extra from Blade. Oh, we wanna talk about hair? Let's talk about hair for a second, shall we? Let's talk about that bald-ass, shiny head of yours: lookin' like the black Destro. Honestly, this motherfucker looks like a Milk Dud. Nah, nah, nah, you don't have to be a Milk Dud. You could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath's been kickin'. You smell like you've been chewin' on buttholes all afternoon -- diarrhea buttholes, diarrhea stinky buttholes. Get a toothbrush homes!"
Kenny Powers, on his inspiration for Taters 'N Tits:
"How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity? 'Cause the bitch was sleepin' underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head."
Kenny Powers, on learning a valuable Christmas lesson and becoming Kenny Claus:
"Fame, fortune, power -- titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But you can have a pocket full of gold, it doesn't mean shit if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes."
Kenny Powers, on the end of his life-storyscreenplay format:
"Cut to black. Audience goes fucking apeshit."
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